First comes relationship.

‘If human beings live, die and thrive in relationships, it is through the relationship that the greatest therapeutic change may take place’ (Mearns and Cooper; 2018: 2)
 
Western society encourages us to hold the view that people are completely independent individuals who choose to have, or not to have, relationships with other completely independent individuals. Through years of research and theoretical development, psychotherapy takes the different view that people exist from the beginning, inseparably in relationship – a baby in a womb. The influential child psychotherapist Donald Winnicott (1896 - 1971) once even wrote that ‘there is no such thing as a baby… only a nursing couple’ (quoted in Mearns and Cooper 2018: 4) emphasising that a baby simply does not, cannot exist as an individual entity. The baby exists in relationship with its primary care giver. It is only through the natural process of personal development, which happens through relationships with our family, and increasingly wider circles of people, that we grow towards independence with a sense of our individual self.
 
So where does counselling fit in? Many of the problems that might bring somebody to counselling relate to a fragile or disrupted sense of self, perhaps low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, difficulties relating to others, or a sense that something just isn't right. There exists in our society a medical model that isolates the presenting symptom – depression, anxiety, ADD for example – and provides medication to make daily life more manageable. This can be a genuine lifesaver for millions of people. What long-term, humanistic counselling offers is a safe relationship – the human’s primary way of existing – in which the underlying roots of those symptoms can be met.
 
The counselling relationship is unique in that it has professional boundaries, but seeks to meet more deeply than a professional to a patient; and to offer more than a set of tools to fix a specific problem. Counselling and psychotherapy understand that as relational beings, much of our poor mental health lies in disconnection, both from others, and from parts of ourselves. This disconnection might show up in adulthood through behavioural patterns that were created in a child by a primary carer not fully able to meet the child’s relational needs. This could have been due to a wide host of understandable reasons – a parent with depression, or working all hours to put food on the table, a family crisis or grief, or many other situations.
 
As such, the basis of the work in humanistic therapies is often in creating a ‘reparative relationship’ (Clarkson, 2003: 113) with the client. This is one in which the therapist meets ‘the client where they are in the present moment, in the belief that [they] will thrive if the therapist provides a non-judgemental space and is able to respect them, be compassionate towards them and interact with them in a genuine way.’ (Aaronson, 2013: vxiii).

Aaronson goes on to describe that the reparative relationship can help an individual to ‘develop a stronger sense of who they are; be in touch with and understand their feelings, know what their needs are and have the sense that they can fulfil them.’ (2013: xxi)
 
The counselling relationship functions as a fundamentally human exchange. I am not there to ‘fix’ you, rather it is through our relationship that you will get to know more about the wounds in yourself that might be leading to the symptoms you are experiencing. Mick Cooper writes ‘if damage is caused through relationship, cannot healing too?’ (2018: 2).
 
 
 
References and further reading:
 
Aaronson, R: Addiction, This Being Human, 2013: Authorhouse, IN.
 
Clarkson, P; The Therapeutic Relationship, 2nd Ed, 2003: Whurr Publishers, London.
 
Mearns, D and Cooper, M; Working at Relational Depth, 2nd Ed, 2018: Sage, London.